I have the privilege of being the father of a five year old
baseball loving boy. For the last two years I have enjoyed being his tee ball
coach in his first venture into organized sports. This fall he wants to take
his step into football. My wife and I have decided to start with flag football.
His inner drive for athletics and competition grows stronger by the day. As a
father, I love it and, like all good parents, want him to succeed.
Sports were a large part of my childhood; hockey, baseball,
football, rugby, basketball, and a year of soccer. Now, in my early thirties I
attempt to recapture my childhood in church league softball. Playing and
coaching in sports as kid helped form me into the man I am today. My little
experience in coaching as an adult has been quite positive and I have had the
opportunity to work with great parents of other kids beginning their foray into
organized sports.
Unfortunately, it does not go that way for all kids. The
growing trend in America is that most kids are done and dropping out of sports
by the time they turn thirteen
[i];
as noted in a
recent article from the Washington Post. There could be a myriad
of reasons for this; change in interests on the part of the child, or, expense
beyond what parents can afford. Sadly, the most common reason appears to be
burnout. Sounds crazy, right? By age thirteen kids have lost enthusiasm and no
longer want to play…anything and the primary cause is…parents.
Parents are making their kids hate sports. Not all parents,
but it would seem a majority of parents are. Estimates are as high as 70% of
kids drop out of sports altogether before becoming a teenager. This is not a
problem with bad or lazy kids. This is a problem with bad parenting. Scratch
that, stupid parenting; imbecilic, moronic; go poor gasoline on yourself, hold
a lit match and play human Frogger during rush hour traffic on the interstate
insanity parenting. Did that statement hurt your feelings? If so, you are
probably that win-at-all costs, vicariously-living-my-kid-will-fulfill-my-dreams,
hypercompetitive, screaming at and threatening the officials’ kind of parent.
Do you find your sense of pride through your child’s athletic ability and
sports performance? Want to know a secret? Your child probably hates you. If
not now, then at some point in the future. Overbearing parents’ hell bent on
victory at all costs are ruining kids’ sports. In a nut shell, this kind of
parent is the problem. A majority of kids dropping out of sports is the symptom
of the greater problem: bad parents in sports.
As a coach, I have been fortunate in that I have not had to
deal with any bad sports parents with kids on my teams. But I have seen coaches
deal with them on other teams. I have sat in the stands and listened as parents
screamed vulgarities at officials, coaches, even other kids. I have come to the
conclusion that there is a complete disconnect between what a kid wants out of
sports and what the bad sports parent thinks a kid needs.
In kids’ sports, kids spell success F-U-N, not W-I-N. As
kids get older they want to win. But until the high school years, for kids,
winning is less important than having fun. That is the way it should and needs
to be for a child to grow into an adult that enjoys a lifetime of playing
sports and being physically active. The parent of a young child that cares more
about winning then the child enjoying the sport that is parenting wrong.
Winning is not all bad; neither is losing. Both are opportunities for learning
and growth for the child. I am not a “let’s not keep score and everyone gets a
trophy” person. A child must be properly prepared for real life and learn how
to deal with a loss or setback. Properly guided, sports are a great place for
kids to learn these lessons. Most kids begin to understand the concept or
winning and losing around age five. Keep score, have winners and losers. Every
kid does not deserve a trophy. As a parent the job is to make the child a
learner in either situation. When properly approached, sports in childhood
provide some of the best possible real life teaching moments.
Use the opportunities sports provide to teach your child. Let
the coach coach. Too many times parents are trying to yell advice from the
stands. I get it, your child is your pride and joy, as a parent you want them
to succeed. Odds are that your kid can not hear you yelling from the stands.
Or, if you are being loud enough for the child to hear, your child is too
embarrassed by the attention to follow the advice. Please, be an enthusiastic
and supportive parent. Just limit the comment to encouragement, not advice.
When playing sports, your kid is looking for your approval not your opinion. If
you believe you coaching abilities are so good, then next year you volunteer:
run the practices and games, teach the kids how to play, and deal with the
other parents. Not up for that challenge? Encourage, do not assess and advise.
Leave that to the coach.
As a coach, I love parents that encourage their child, but
stay out of the way a let me coach. I have been blessed to have many of those
kinds of parents around. Those parents are helpful and make the coaches life
easier. The best coaches have the best interest of the kids at heart, so do the
best parents. These parents are smart..Do you know what is not smart for kids in sports? Early age
sport specialization and year round competition. At the close of my son’s tee
ball season last week a few of the other parents asked if we would be playing
fall ball. My answer was a polite but adamant NO! My son is five and focusing
solely on one sport year round would be a terrible idea. Aside from the fact
that a young child changes interest in activities quickly, ample research
suggests that specialization in a single sport before high school actually
hurts athletic development.
[ii]
This the position of the National Institute of Health and the American Medical
Society of Sports Medicine. If this well researched position does not convince
you, consider this anecdote: Ohio State Head Football Coach Urban Meyer prefers
to recruit multi-sport high school athletes. Of the 47 athletes on 2015
National Championship team, 42 of them played two or more sports throughout
high school. These kids did not focus solely on football until arriving at Ohio
State.
[iii]
But so and so coach offered to put my eight-year-old on such
and such travel team because it would increase his chances of a college
scholarship. Unfortunately, research does not bear this out. In fact, it says
the exact opposite. Excessive competition and early travel is one of the major
mistakes bad sports parents make. Remember, the kids spell success F-U-N, not
W-I-N. Too much of anything, even a
sport a child really enjoys, will eventually become too much. Kids need time to
be kids. Beyond that, there is a reason that every major professional sport has
an offseason; adult bodies need a break. If an adult’s body cannot handle year
round high level competition, what chance does a child’s body have?
There are two types of injuries in sports: traumatic and
overuse. Traumatic is an accident or results from an unusual for of contact.
Despite the best preventative measures traumatic injuries are going to be a
part of sports. Overuse injuries, however, are preventable. Simply perform less
action or perform different actions. In 2014, the American Medical Society
released a position statement on overuse injuries children’s sports. Early
specialization and year round competition were two of the reasons sighted for
overuse injuries in children.
[iv]
Next to burn out, were the leading reasons children quit playing sports. The
AMSs’ top recommendation for avoiding sports injury in children is to play
multiple sports starting at an early age.
As a personal trainer, I would never recommend that an adult
client train seven days a week. The body needs rest. Why should a child be
capable of more? Before puberty, total practice and competition time for
children should be no more than three days per week for a total of six hours or
less. Even less time for younger children. Coaching my son’s tee ball team we
practice once a week for 45 minutes and played one game per week for 45
minutes. In my opinion, do to more would have been neglectful on my part as a
personal trainer, coach, and parent. To do more would have been
counterproductive both as a coach and a parent.
When it comes to kids and sports less time, less stress, and
fun is more important than winning. Parents, do the kids a favor; let them be
kids. Let the kids do what kids do. Let them have fun. Let them play. The good
parents will do this and watch their children experience wonderful and
enjoyable involvement in sports throughout childhood. Maybe this burn out and
drop out trend can be reversed. Maybe kids can get back to playing for the love
of the fun. The question is; will parents do the right thing and let them/
[i] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/06/01/why-70-percent-of-kids-quit-sports-by-age-13/?postshare=5441464916019578&tid=ss_tw-bottom
[ii] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3658411/
[iii] http://newsok.com/article/5389737
[iv] https://www.amssm.org/Content/pdf%20files/2014_OverUse_Injuries-Burnout.pdf
